Friday, August 22, 2008

Moving On

I can think of only two relationships in my lifetime that were constantly threatening to fall apart and which I would have done just about anything to prolong. One was romantic; the other just a friendship.

The romantic interest from decades ago was resolved by the other person, who simply moved on to someone else. It took me a long time to bounce back from that one.

The friendship disintegrated just this week in a volley of heated e-mail messages. I much prefer a face-to-face discussion, but that was not in the cards. I suppose the final sticking point was a difference in values. I had come to like the person that I am and was not willing any longer to try to change.

This friendship has started and stopped more times than I can count. Always before I was willing to simply make amends and wait for it to resume. But this time I became equally angry and ready to get out of a relationship that was no longer supportive.

I miss both of these people who in their own way helped me become who I am. But I have come to realize that relationships that require so much care and tending are not where I need to be.


Blogger Kristin said...

I wish you peace in your decision, in the direction of your life. Breaking up is hard, even with friends. Especially with friends.

11:52 AM  
Blogger Barbara said...

Kristin -- Thanks. It's a nostalgic peace.

11:59 AM  
Blogger Mo said...

You know, I've only had one or two friendships that fell apart on less-than-pleasant terms, and it was always something that, once I had given myself some time to be sad, I felt very at peace with my decision. You're right--if a relationship is more draining than supportive, more toxic than sustaining, it's best for both parties to move on, to keep the happy memories, and to learn from the parts that didn't work.
Congratulations on making a healthy decision even though it wasn't easy.

12:02 PM  
Blogger Barbara said...

Mo -- I know that in time this will all make sense, but right now many aspects of it do not. I'm still confident that I did what I had to do.

12:14 PM  
Blogger GEWELS said...

I truly believe that some people come into lour lives for a very short time and are not meant to stay indefinitely.
Your friendship ran it's course and it was time to move on (for both of you). I know it's hard for I too, lost a friendship for no apparent reason. I think that she no longer needed me in her life and wanted to cut ties to assuage any guilt that she may have had. She was also moving to Texas and probably didn't want the burden of continuing to stay in touch.
Oh well! Think of all the new friends you've made.

1:18 PM  
Blogger Barbara said...

Gewels -- That sounds like a very grown-up way to think about this loss. I'm heartened to know you have a similar story. I am eternally grateful for the new friends, like you, that I continue to make. Life is so good.

1:23 PM  
Blogger bulletholes said...

I've had a bad spell of this kind of crap myself. I like to say that there is nothing someone can do that iwon't be their freind, but lifes to short to carry cheap frienships around.
I'm going to buy me a dog.

5:39 PM  
Blogger Barbara said...

Bulletholes -- A good dog is hard to beat for loyalty. They mostly just want to be fed and have their ears rubbed.

5:55 PM  
Blogger Pauline said...

there is chemistry in friendships just as there is in other relationships. if the "work" of keeping a friendship alive becomes one-sided, if the chemistry disappears, if values change for one and not the other, if being together hurts more than being apart, then I'd think you'd want to let the other person go his or her own way with your blessing. if, in the midst of your sadness you still feel relief, I'd say that's a good indication that you made the right decision.

7:44 AM  
Blogger lettuce said...

thats hard barbara, i'm sorry

9:30 AM  
Blogger Aileen said...

I'm sorry you're going through this! I've had my share of this sort of thing this year myself. Major and minor losses.

For a friendship to end in a flurry of emails is sad. It seems like the years of loving each other should be honored with at least a conversation.

11:38 AM  
Blogger wordwitch said...

I too, have had a friendship end badly - she disapproved of the decision I made to move in with a boy (who is now my hubby) and stopped talking to me....She and I had already "broken up and made up" 1-2 times before. But this time, I didn't try hard at all. I figured if she didn't like my current decision, then she'd really not like the life-time commitment decision that was even "worse" (my spiritual life) I haven't tried to communicate with her since 1998. I expect to run into her next year in November at a Choir reunion....but things will not start over. It's too late for that.

You have my empathy. And I send my hugs.

4:34 PM  
Blogger Cyndy said...

It must be very difficult to go through ending a friendship this way. I don't really know since I'm the type to just let things fizzle out. If the relationship is more work than pleasure then it's definitely not a healthy friendship, so you just did what you needed to do. I hope you feel better about it soon.

4:46 PM  
Blogger Barbara said...

Thanks, everyone, for your words of support. To everything there is a season, even friendship it would seem.

7:06 PM  
Blogger Mother of Invention said...

Sorry this has happened to you and that you are very disappointed. Sounds like you're grieving what you pnce had but also know it is no longer there. That's an okay place to be actually. You can only hang on so long, giving the benefit of the doubt,until it becomes unhealthy to put any more energy into a friendship like that.

You seem to me to be a person who is endlessly giving to others and you must feel good knowing that this is always so very appreciated.

(Just got back from holidays and getting back to searching the blogs!)

11:16 PM  

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