Relating
For me trust is perhaps the key component in any successful relationship. You want to know with certainty where you stand with that other person – be it a friend, a lover, a spouse, a partner. After experiencing two failed relationships in the past couple of years, I seem to have taken on an unfortunate wariness that makes it difficult to be confident in new relationships without occasional reassurance.
My Rock of Gibralter is my husband. I can’t imagine ever doubting his fidelity or love for a minute. That doesn’t mean we haven’t had serious disagreements. But they were usually over things like who stayed home with a sick child or who cleaned the toilets (solved by hiring a cleaning woman). We were always solid on the things that really matter.
My musical partner Deborah has turned out to be the perfect friend as well. I remember being so afraid the first time I played music with her that I would not be good enough to merit her time. As it turns out, we have spent hours together making music and enjoying each other’s company. I can’t imagine ever being in a position of need with her not being there to help.
I could say the same of long-time neighbors and Temple Micah friends. You know when the chips are down, they will come through for you.
But recently as I’ve made new friends, both in person and electronically, it sometimes seems to take a while for me to allow myself to trust in the relationship. If someone fails to answer my e-mail or if I’m always the one initiating activities, I tend to see potential cracks that may not be there at all. I wonder if I’ve said too much, too little in my last contact. And when I find out that indeed everything is OK, I feel incredibly embarrassed for having thought otherwise.
One thing that has become increasingly clear to me is how much I need people in my life. As much as I love interests like music, they are not a replacement for the interaction with those who care about me and who provide interest in my life. As complicated as they are, it’s relationships that add texture to life. I want to confidently enjoy the luxury of relating to others.
Photo of the space that seems to occupy much of my time. My constant companion Jake said I could use his picture.
posted by Barbara at 11:54 AM
15 Comments:
That Jake is such a posterboy!
Trust and forgiveness are the hallmark of a good relationship. No matter how much you love someone, there are always reasons to forgive. Sometimes small, sometimes huge.
Since my job is essentially one of building relationships and helping people change behaviors, I sometimes revel in the beauty of the solitude. These days it doesn't happen much, but...
::smile:::
"Antisthenes says that in a certain faraway land the cold is so intense that words freeze as soon as they are uttered, and after some time they thaw and become audible, so that words spoken in winter go unheard until the next summer."
Saw this today and it makes me think that sometimes our relationships are really in sync, but other times, well, not so much.
Dear Barbara, we have only met electronically so far, and I don`t know what you look like (and don`t care much,personally)or how you think about everything (and it doesn`t matter, either), but I do think that from our blogs we get drawn together when we have the main things in common. Like such attitudes about trust and reliability. So, at least with me, you can be sure that I am very fond of your personality and think we are already friends, if you don`t mind.
But I also want you to understand that sometimes I (and others) might not have much time or other things on my mind and perhaps keep quiet for a while. That does NOT mean I have lost interest! Perhaps it means nothing. So why not work on your self-esteem and not think the approval of others too important? But IF you think it important: I LIKE YOU, BARBARA!
This post made me start thinking about the different phases that my social life has gone through over the years. I used to be much more of a social butterfly than I currently am and I know that I will eventually get back to that, because it's fun!
But for now it's just me and Doug along with some very occasional get-togethers with a couple of close friends. That's all I can fit in these days.
Most of my other socializing at the moment is with what I refer to as my "imaginery friends" who I only know from blogging. I love the no-strings-attached aspect of having blogging buddies and online acquaintances - it really suits me right now. And if I had to pick a favorite, you would definitely be it, since your blog is the main one I read and also because you are the only blogger who I've actually ever met!
Everyone is different, but for me the best friendships have been those that just kind of magically evolved into whatever they were destined to become. I have learned that the ups and downs are much more intense when expectations enter into the equation, so for me it works better to just try to hang loose. I know that's definitely not for everyone, but it suits me just fine.
I struggle not to put the absolute worst spin on a situation. I'm a glass half empty kinda gal. If there's anything reading The Four Agreements has taught me it's that most people are too busy living their lives to be intentionally slighting you! :)
As perhaps your newest friend, I hope you know that you and your husband have been gifts to me, courtesy of our mutual friend.
I have appreciated your sharing, David's help with Hebrew, your humor and concern and, through you and Kristin (whom I've yet to meet)the chance to donate to Angela and Val's project in Africa.
You are extraordinary.
I haven't had much time or energy to say that lately and test day is Thursday, so I will study until then.
I hope you will enjoy the holidays and I hope to see you in the new year.
I hear what you are saying about friendships, but I have a tendency to enter into new relationships with the opposite perspective: I put a LOT of trust in them. I assume the person is genuine and truly cares about me. I assume that we will be there for each other and we don't have to both be putting in a lot of ongoing effort to make it work. Sometimes I will be the initiator, and sometimes the other person may be. Or I may be the one who is always "leading" the friendship. Doesn't really matter to me if there is a real connection there.
And yes, you, Miss Barbara, are one of my newer friends!
Kellyann -- One of Jake's finest moments was posing for pictures in JC Penney's. He's a natural ham!
I totally agree about forgiveness.
Bulletholes -- Those are some interesting words to think about. In sync relationships are what we're all shooting for!
Angela -- I'm so glad our electronic paths crossed!
Cyndy -- I'm flattered. Blogging is nice because it can be done at any hour of the day (or night). But don't be surprised if I track you down if you don't come around for a few days. I have been known to check on Blogger friends...
Lacochran -- It's understandable to be busy. But in the end friends and family are probably more important than just about anything you could be doing, don't you think?
E -- I feel ever indebted to our mutual friend for introducing us. I look forward to meeting you in person one day soon!
Good luck with your big test.
Aileen -- You have been incredibly supportive and helpful this year. You are quite right that it's "the real connection" that matters. When that's in place, it doesn't make any difference who does the initiating.
Huge topic, Barbara! My friendships and relationships run the gamut from trust- and openness-based to constantly challenging (e.g., I wonder whether I really matter to this person, or why I feel invisible or abandoned, or...). Acceptance, mutual appreciation, genuine connection in some deep form (not necessarily language-based), and willingness to "show up" would also appear on my Top Ten List. And how about good old humor and fun?
I'm with you; many of the richest experiences in my life are more about the people than the specific activity. I'm appreciating our connection!
-F.
theres usually at least a little bit of risk in trusting, isn't there
but most of my experiences lead me to trust more not less
Barbara,
I agree with Kellyann. If you can't trust your friend, if they gossip and moan, or tell you how to "improve" yourself (unsolicited BS directives) then it's hard to maintain a friendship. I still give people the benefit of the doubt... to a point. If their petty BS continues, I do give up, because as a loyal open person yourself, you need a friend who is loyal and open.
As for e mails, this month 2 people stopped me on the street regarding e mails they sent me (I never got these e mails - I would have answered. ) through some glitch I suppose, since they said they were sure they got the e mail address right. This was my work e mail which is the only one I check every day.
I don't always answer every e mail, sometimes it's one that seems to expect no answer. Like info. or an observation, or a complaint !! ha ha...
This *is* a big topic. I'm glad to have introduced you and e., and I'm happy to have met you and spent time with you both inside and outside of cyberspace! You're a great friend, B.
Anon -- My friendships too run the gamut. I'd go nuts if every one of them required so much energy. But I like to believe in the ones that seem "special" to me. I'm sure each of us has such a set of friends. They may not stay in the special category forever, but it's still nice to feel the friendship is equally supported from both sides while they are there.
As for family relationships, in my book they are mostly forever, through thick and thin! Trust and forgiveness are essential.
I too am enjoying our electronic connection!
Lettuce -- I'm striving to make trust more important than risk in the grand scheme of things.
Squirrel -- I totally agree about e-mail. I tend to ignore the mass mailings figuring most people don't expect a reply. It's the messages that ask for an answer that I am most careful to respond to. I leave a message in my inbox until I have either answered it, filed it, or trashed it.
Steve -- Ditto. I'm so happy you're continuing to read and comment, despite your writing break (which I still hope is temporary!)
Jake is so cute!!!
I trust too much. I get my heart broken by friends, family and lovers entirely too much, but I cannot seem to stop. It's just who I am.
I'm so glad I've gotten to know you - both online and off. Thank you.
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