Validation
In last night’s post-meditation reading, Pema Chodron admonished us to show the world how we solve our problems. I actually took that train of thought down a different path to acknowledge the comfort in knowing you are not alone with a problem.When my first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage, I was mortified to think I must be the only person on earth to produce a blighted ovum – a bad egg. Even in those days, losing a baby at any point in the pregnancy was not talked about and it was only years later when I was to discover that just about everyone I know had experienced a miscarriage. In fact something like one in three pregnancies ends in miscarriage.
Just this week I’ve had three independent conversations with people who have experienced similar manifestations of a problem I have had for the past several months. Knowing what they went through doesn’t in the least diminish my problem, but it allows me to feel validated and not so alone as I deal with it.
Perhaps the closest I come to following Pema Chodron’s suggestion is laying out my problems and occasionally their solutions on this Blog. But mostly I benefit from the knowledge of shared experience that comes from a commenter who says, “The same thing happened to me.”
posted by Barbara at 9:31 AM
13 Comments:
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I'm starting as soon as I learn to type...
previous comment, revised..
"Yeah, barb, I had a little topic I wasnt' sure I wanted to share, but its too rich not too.So, i shared it.
I am on like...the Journey of my whole life right now. Why, how, could I hold back?
Who knows what might come of sharing?
What could ossibly be good about keeping it a secret.Great quote from one of the books I'm reading...
"Its possible that the last freedom we will find is that of freedom from the stigma of being an addict."
Something like that. I'm starting now.
Bulletholes -- I'm sure your group is a great comfort and support to you as you start down this new path. I'm pulling for you to succeed! I'll bet you will!
What can you lose by sharing your problem, Barbara? I`m sure only your friends read your blog and will all try to help. And if there is one who thinks worse of you, that surely is his own problem, not yours. Don`t you remember the words by Ecclesiastes, the Preacher - there is no new thing under the sun?!
We all have people who want to be of assistance, and what more could we ask? Sometimes just listening is all someone needs. Having a true listener in your life is nicer than an advisor/ fixer many times.
This is why I like memoirs and bios sometimes... people tell you in print how they behaved (badly sometimes) and how they coped with pain, and it's like you the reader are the listener. no judgement, no calling them out for being too self involved, just sitting listening.
I never knew of my mother's miscarriages or my older sister's until I was in my twenties and my mother had already passed away . They both wondered about the children they never had, they both shared the same feeling about the experiences. My mother was around then to talk to my sister and tell her babies would come, and she was right. My sister was able to talk about it because my mother's experience mirrored her own.
Reality checks, mirrors, memoirs, photo albums, journals, dreams, friends giving honest feedback, validation from others, sharing stories and experiences...all part of what can keep our feet on the ground and feeling connected to one another. Sometimes just knowing that someone else has had a similar experience helps me jump-start stuck emotional energy and move myself further down the path toward a solution or healing, or at least acceptance.
Learning to share both my problems and my joys is an ongoing issue with me. I'm getting better and I'm taking more from my friends. Nobody is alone.
All -- I really appreciate your comments. And thank God no one is alone!
I'm not exactly qualified to be making all these psychological statements but in the past I have also experienced what you've been going through recently, so here's where I am with all of that:
I think everyone has a choice as to how deeply they want to experience a relationship with another person and a notion about whether it is worth the emotional risks involved. Most people probably go through different phases of wanting to be more committed or more casual about their friendships. I'm definitely in a casual phase right now, for example.
When you feel close enough to someone to have hopes and expectations about commitment and loyalty, it is very easy to get hurt, especially when the other person does not have those same goals for whatever reason. But it is also quite possible for the more casual member of the relationship to get their feelings hurt as well, especially if there are assumptions or expectations in place that maybe shouldn't be there yet, if at all.
I don't think there are any relationships, including marriage, where both people are equally committed to one another in every way. The best friendships, both intimate and casual are probably successful when there is a good balance between all of the various things that enter into the friendship. And it kind of boils down to what you either want to accept,or are willing to accept, with acceptance being the key word.
The joy that a friendship can bring is usually worth the risk of potential or eventual hurt both because of the happiness you get to experience and the wisdom and insight you gain after you recover from the hurt. But the pain can be extremely distracting.
On a very superficial level this can be compared to the joy of drinking and the pain from the subsequent hangover, and then whether you choose to learn anything useful from the pain of the hangover or instead consume more alcohol to make the pain go away.
Forgive the long comment, but have you ever seen Stephen Sondheim's show "Into the Woods"? This post reminded me of this song:
CINDERELLA
Mother cannot guide you.
Now you're on you're own.
Only me beside you.
Still, you're not alone.
No one is alone, truly.
No one is alone.
Sometimes people leave you
halfway through the wood.
Others may deceive you.
You decide what's good.
You decide alone.
But no one is alone.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD
I wish...
CINDERELLA(To Little Red)
I know...
Mother isn't here now. BAKER(to Jack)
Wrong things, right things...
Who knows what she'd say?
Who can say what's true?
Nothing's quite so clear now-
Do things, fight things...
Feel you've lost your way?
You decide, but
You are not alone, You are not alone.
Believe me.
No one is alone.
No one is alone,
Believe me.
Truly...
BOTH
You move just a finger,
Say the slightest word,
Something's bound to linger,
Be heard.
No one acts alone.
Careful, no one is alone.
CINDERELLA
People make mistakes.
Fathers,
Mothers,
BOTH
People make mistakes,
Holding their own,
Thinking they're alone.
CINDERELLA
Honor their mistakes...
Fight for their mistakes-
Everybody makes-
BOTH
One another's
Terrible mistakes.
Witches can be right,
Giants can be good.
You decide what's right,
You dedide what's good.
CINDERELLA
Just remember:
BAKER
Just remember:
BOTH
Someone is on your side.
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD & JACK
Our side.
CINDERELLA & BAKER
Our side-
Someone else is not.
While we're seeing our side-
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD & JACK
Our side....
CINDERELLA & BAKER
Our side-
ALL
Maybe we forgot:
They are not alone.
No one is alone.
CINDERELLA
Hard to see the light now.
BAKER
Just don't let it go.
BOTH
Things will come out right now.
We can make it so.
Someone is on your side,
No one is alone.
Wow, Steve, that lyric is so powerful and deep that I can tell I must see this show!
-- F. (Barbara's "new" Anon; like rdm, I have good reasons for staying Anon, but at least this way Barbara can easily see which Anons are mine. Maybe eventually I'll create an identity...)
It's good when we can share our experiences and our heartfelt empathy.
Recently, though, I am feeling "tapped out" of empathy towards a current coworker. I know that the situation that she is in is awful, but to hear her problems again and again (and probably because they mirror my own difficulties) has taxed me to my core. When she whines, I grit my teeth and try to keep an open heart.
At the time that I had my miscarriage, I was relieved. It was an unplanned pregnancy at a crucial time of my life. Would I have become the professional that I am today if I had had that baby? Don't know. When it became apparent that I couldn't have children when I wanted them, I regretted my previous frame of mind, but then counter with, "What will be, will be."
I think back to a dark time of my life and when I was seeking out counseling and my mother said, "Just don't give them your real name, think of what happened to Eagelton" and I think of how many strides we have made toward erasing the stigma of mental health difficulties. Because of people starting to talk of their struggles, other people are finding the courage to get help and lead more satisfying lives.
Cyndy -- I've been thinking a lot about your comment today. I came to the realization that I'm never frantic or even worried about a relationship in which I have confidence. My marriage, for example. It's when I'm not sure that I'm less than comfortable. It's an awful feeling.
Steve -- I haven't seen the show, but found myself wanting to hear the tunes for the words you included. Sounds like something I would enjoy! Thanks for sharing; I know that's a lot to type.
F -- Maybe each Anon will have to claim a letter. You have dibs on "F"!
Kellyann -- Suffering alone is not a good option. I'm so glad you are getting help when you need it. And when you are down, you know you have electronic supporters across the country!
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