Saturday, July 30, 2005

Never Content

I can’t ever seem to feel contented and satisfied. Just a month ago I was writing about how overwhelmed I was with preparation for my bat mitzvah and getting ready to make a presentation at a conference in Mexico. Then after the bat mitzvah was over, I was already missing the 20 minutes a day that I had put into practicing for several months.

Just a week later I took off for Chautauqua. I must admit I was somewhat apprehensive about how this would turn out. I was going there to play music I had never before seen with people I had never before met with the idea of giving a recital at the end of the week. I just wasn’t sure if I would be able to hold up my end of the deal. As it turned out, it was one of the best experiences of my life. Not only did I make a contribution, but I absolutely loved every minute of practicing and performing. It wasn’t scary in the least. But it was an intensive week with little down time.

So here I am back home, with all the free time in the world – no more commitments, no more plans. Therein lies my current problem. I find that I actually thrive on being busy, on having to produce, on having to perform. I have never dealt well with unstructured time, but it is even more obvious after having been so busy.

I don’t have anything scheduled until tomorrow night when our couples book club meets. So how shall I spend all this free time? Whatever I do will not involve David since he still (as usual) has 200 pages of the book to read. Shall I take a long bike ride? Practice the piano? Work out downstairs in the basement? Cook a fancy dinner? Take a long nap? Maybe all of the above.

I wonder if this will ever get any easier for me?


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