Wednesday, May 11, 2005

Feeling Needy

I always thought it was a sign of weakness to feel needy, so I tried never to show it if I did feel that way. But lately, I’ve sometimes sensed a dark cloud of neediness hanging over my head. Rebecca says most feelings like this are rooted in the fact that our mothers didn’t – couldn’t – love us adequately. I always knew that my mother loved me, but her lack of outward affection still leaves me with a feeling of inadequacy.

I have so much in my life! How could I possibly need anything? This is the question I continue to come back to. I have a loving husband of 29 years. I have two children who are slowly making their way in the world and will do great things I am sure. I have financial security. I have (reasonably) good health. I have a rewarding job that pays me a big salary. I have friends – old and new ones. I have music as a hobby. I have a religion that gives me spiritual support. The list goes on.

So what is on my list of needs? I would like for Rebecca to be my friend and she can’t be because we have a professional relationship. I would like a network of people with whom I could exchange regular e-mail messages or BLOG comments about anything and everything. As it is, I have sporadic communication with a lot of friends, but no one seems to be really interested in more than just casual news updates. I want to talk about burning issues – about the state of the world, about religion, about politics, about human emotions, about growing older, and so on and on and on. But as it is, more often than not, I sign onto my e-mail account to find “There are no new messages on the server,” and I say to myself, “Boo, hoo, hoo. Noboby wants to talk to you.”

Now that I write this down, my neediness seems almost laughable. It so pales in comparison with what I already have. I have to ask myself if I would truly be happy and satisfied if my needs were met. The answer is probably no, that these two things are just the obvious, that there is more underneath.

Rebecca has urged me to find another therapist, someone who will delve deeper into the source of my feelings, now that I at least identified my feelings with Anne a few months ago. I have started looking around, being somewhat concerned about not being able to find the right person. But at least I am working on this.

I have finally accepted that it is not a sign of weakness to feel needy, but rather a sign of being human. Life was not nearly so complicated when I was in a state of unawareness a year ago and I was emotionally “half-dead” as Anne put it, but I think I am far better off being on this emotional roller coaster now!

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