Learning to Just Say No
Will someone please permanently tie my hand behind my back so I can’t raise it to volunteer for anything else? I have come to realize that it’s totally my fault that I am overbooked and running out of time and energy these days.
I just can’t seem to control myself when these opportunities to bring food or lead some effort or do something for someone else occur. Last week a baby shower message came around. Instead of just contributing to the group gift and eating the food that everyone else brings, I decided to buy my own gift and offered to make a fruit salad. It’s not like this person is one of my nearest and dearest friends – she is someone else’s secretary who was actually a big help in creating my Powerpoint presentation for my Mexico trip. So I was out buying a gift as the snow swirled on Saturday and I have yet to buy and assemble a fruit salad. On Saturday the choir member sitting next to me mentioned that the zipper in her skirt had broken that morning and that she would just have to throw it out. Instead of commiserating with her, I volunteered to replace it for her. I mean, how hard is it just to put in a new zipper? The truth is that none of these things in and of itself takes much time or effort. It’s just that I keep volunteering and they keep stacking up!
I had a long talk with Kathryn last week about why I feel so compelled to hold up my hand at every opportunity. It may be because my mother did the same thing. The difference was that she never worked at any other job, so she had 50 hours a week that I don’t have.
Like in AA, the first step is recognizing that you have a problem. That I have dealt with. Doing something about it is going to be the tougher part. I’m going to ask everyone I know to help me just say NO the next time I am tempted to hold up my hand. After all, there is always someone else who can do just about everything.
I just can’t seem to control myself when these opportunities to bring food or lead some effort or do something for someone else occur. Last week a baby shower message came around. Instead of just contributing to the group gift and eating the food that everyone else brings, I decided to buy my own gift and offered to make a fruit salad. It’s not like this person is one of my nearest and dearest friends – she is someone else’s secretary who was actually a big help in creating my Powerpoint presentation for my Mexico trip. So I was out buying a gift as the snow swirled on Saturday and I have yet to buy and assemble a fruit salad. On Saturday the choir member sitting next to me mentioned that the zipper in her skirt had broken that morning and that she would just have to throw it out. Instead of commiserating with her, I volunteered to replace it for her. I mean, how hard is it just to put in a new zipper? The truth is that none of these things in and of itself takes much time or effort. It’s just that I keep volunteering and they keep stacking up!
I had a long talk with Kathryn last week about why I feel so compelled to hold up my hand at every opportunity. It may be because my mother did the same thing. The difference was that she never worked at any other job, so she had 50 hours a week that I don’t have.
Like in AA, the first step is recognizing that you have a problem. That I have dealt with. Doing something about it is going to be the tougher part. I’m going to ask everyone I know to help me just say NO the next time I am tempted to hold up my hand. After all, there is always someone else who can do just about everything.
posted by Barbara at 1:39 PM
5 Comments:
Women are conditioned from babyhood to please and to volunteer and to be nice. It takes practice to learn to weigh the choices you make when you agree to help someone. Once it starts being unpleasant, you've gone too far. It is definitely something women have to learn, I think. The art of saying "no."
Actually it's the art of not saying "Yes!"
Do you think this has to do with your kids growing up? My mother focuses more and more on finding things to do for and with others now that her children don't need their lunches made/teachers called/playdates scheduled anymore. She's used to feeling needed; that in itself is a hard habit to break.
Hope dsquared doesn't learn it....I just emailed him to help me out with my recalcitrant blog!
:-))
I love the word recalcitrant.
It's not just your mom. You're a Capricorn, and you guys get things done. It's your way to work harder than anyone else. It pays off because one way or another you guys always triumph. But it can be grueling.
Boundaries are one of the biggest problem in our culture, at least I think so. Your body is going to teach you not to say yes. It is teaching you. I salute your miracle body.
Cube -- Agreed. It's hard to break out of this mold, though.
AlwaysWrite -- I love "the art of not saying YES". That is exactly right.
Kate -- I'm sure he will help you. He's sometimes worse than I am at bending over backwards to help other people. And he's not even a Capricorn!
Reya -- My body continues to teach me things every day. I'm not sure what this has to do with boundaries, but I have no choice but to start listening to my miracle body!
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