Searching for a Better Brella

There have been more expletives uttered (screamed) over failed umbrellas than over most any other accessory we carry. They have this way of flipping inside out at the most inopportune moment, hopelessly bent out of shape and condemned to the next dumpster. You would think there would have been design improvements for something that had been around since 1000 B.C.

I read with amusement and curiosity the current New Yorker article about a new umbrella “invented” by Steve Hollinger, a Boston artist who sounds much like my deceased Father. I became enthused when I realized Hollinger’s Bella Brella, or whatever name he settles on, would deal with trapped wind, rain dripping on your feet, and the danger to passersby.

The article really did conjure up pictures of my Father, whose only patented inventions were “classified” because they dealt with minesweeping. But he was always dreaming of a better way to do everything. He even got into the health field when he wrote the National Cancer Institute and suggested that breast cancer could be caused by brassieres that are too tight. In his later years, his mind worked overtime on how to use things discarded by others. This included the styrofoam tray from his $.99 TV dinner, which he refused to throw away, and of course EVERY plastic wrapper that once contained a newspaper.

But back to Steve Hollinger’s umbrella. It would take the shape of a large bike helmet. It would have an escape valve for wind pressure, maybe in the form of a wind-sock. It would channel all of the run-off water to the tail where it would then be released. It would really look sleek, having a different color on the inside, maybe one to brighten up the day, like yellow.

This new umbrella has long since left the drawing board. It has already been “Made in China.” The patent is still pending, but I am ready to pay up front for one of the first Bella Brellas to roll off the production line. How about you?