Never-ending Loops

That’s what obsessions are. Just like my little Moebius strip that goes from red to blue and back to red covering inside and out. I’ve been thinking a lot about the anatomy of an obsession, having just read When Nietzsche Wept by Irvin Yalom.

We all obsess from time to time, some of us more than others. We obsess about people of the same sex, people of the opposite sex, things said to us, things not said to us, the sports car we desire, persistent pain, food, and on and on and on. For some, the obsession is so extreme that it is diagnosed as OCD. But for many of us, it’s just there from time to time.

When I find myself in one of these endless loops, there are a couple of ways I get at least temporary and occasionally permanent relief. Sometimes writing about my obsession puts it in perspective and makes it go away. This may take the form of an e-mail or a Blog post. In either case, it’s a chimney-sweeping activity that tends to at least help.

Meditation is also a great escape. Mindfulness training asks us to clear our minds of persistent thoughts to the degree possible and concentrate on our breathing. Every breath in tends to put the brakes on the obsessive cycle. But at some point the bell calls us back to reality and often the thought picks up where it left off.

For me, obsessive thoughts usually focus on something I think I want and can’t have or something I have lost and want restored. It’s usually just out of reach and still within the realm of possibility.

This reminds me of a relationship I once had when I was much younger with a guy several years older than I was. We were somewhere between friends and becoming lovers for many years. I fantasized about what it would be like to be his “main girl” as I watched him date others, thinking the time we spent together was so special. It was only later that I learned that he was doing those same special things – like grilling shrimp on the beach – with everyone. He gave me a copy of The Prophet upon graduation from high school. A few years later when I visited him in California and perused his library, I found the same book with an almost identical inscription in the front, a gift to him from a girlfriend. When he finally decided a year or so later that I was indeed the one he wanted, my obsession had been dissipated by the knowledge that I was not any more special than anyone else. I wanted fresh flowers, not a second-hand bouquet.

When Nietzsche Wept was incredibly useful in understanding the endless cycle of obsession. I don’t want to reveal the way the two main characters managed to rid themselves of their personal obsession because that would give away the best part of the book. (If you’re in my book club, be forewarned that this will be my choice when it’s my turn to suggest a book!)

It occurred to me that we may cling to obsession as a way of keeping our minds actively engaged – notice I did not say profitably engaged. It’s those rare moments when I think my life is perfect and I have no obsessions when I also have no creative juices and nothing in particular to say. I told my PT Guy (who loaned me the book) that I equate this to living in San Diego, where the weather is the same year around and for me would be BORING. He reminded me that in that situation, you must simply go inside to create the variation and interest.

Is there something here with which you can identify? Do you have any pearls of wisdom on getting out of those endless loops that can tie our brains up in knots?