The Ethics of Blogging
As I came in the door on Tuesday evening feeling all mellow from a fantastic acupuncture session, I could sense the tension in the air.
Husband: Where in the world have you been all afternoon?
Me: Getting my final scan at WHC and then going to acupuncture.
Husband: I have been trying to reach you for hours because I really didn’t appreciate the fact that you made me sound like a total asshole in your post about Aunt Z.
Me: That was not at all my intention.
In fact, I was the one who had sent him an e-mail message earlier in the day since he rarely reads my Blog otherwise: I wrote about your Aunt Zelda today. You might want to read it. Obviously if I thought I had said something awful about him (which I have vowed to try not to do), I wouldn’t have been inviting trouble!
We had a tense dinner together with him basically telling me that he didn’t want to have to think about everything he said to me for fear that it would end up in my Blog for our friends and the world to see the next day.
As luck would have it, AUA and Cube came to the rescue (with no prompting I must say) to totally support the personal dilemma my husband was facing over his ailing crotchety 97-year-old aunt. Instead of saying “He really sounds like a cold-hearted asshole,” they were saying “We totally get it and are sympathetic.” By the end of the evening, their comments had helped him immensely to see that not only had I not been portraying him maliciously, but that his problems were real and understandable.
But my dilemma of what to write and what not to write continues. In this particular piece, I found myself saying, “Your initial comments to me might have been the 20th (as you said) in your train of thought. But they were the first that I heard. I stand by my story.” Where does journalism leave off and protecting the privacy of those we love take over? My cardinal rule is one of never trying to hurt anyone. But that doesn’t mean that I will sugar-coat my life at home and make it sound like our life is a G-rated movie. Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately) there are no rules of Blogging, no censors, no arbitrators. Each of us writes by our own rules of ethical Blogging conduct. Sometimes there are gray areas.
How do you decide what is allowable? What’s fit to print in Blogdom?
Husband: Where in the world have you been all afternoon?
Me: Getting my final scan at WHC and then going to acupuncture.
Husband: I have been trying to reach you for hours because I really didn’t appreciate the fact that you made me sound like a total asshole in your post about Aunt Z.
Me: That was not at all my intention.
In fact, I was the one who had sent him an e-mail message earlier in the day since he rarely reads my Blog otherwise: I wrote about your Aunt Zelda today. You might want to read it. Obviously if I thought I had said something awful about him (which I have vowed to try not to do), I wouldn’t have been inviting trouble!
We had a tense dinner together with him basically telling me that he didn’t want to have to think about everything he said to me for fear that it would end up in my Blog for our friends and the world to see the next day.
As luck would have it, AUA and Cube came to the rescue (with no prompting I must say) to totally support the personal dilemma my husband was facing over his ailing crotchety 97-year-old aunt. Instead of saying “He really sounds like a cold-hearted asshole,” they were saying “We totally get it and are sympathetic.” By the end of the evening, their comments had helped him immensely to see that not only had I not been portraying him maliciously, but that his problems were real and understandable.
But my dilemma of what to write and what not to write continues. In this particular piece, I found myself saying, “Your initial comments to me might have been the 20th (as you said) in your train of thought. But they were the first that I heard. I stand by my story.” Where does journalism leave off and protecting the privacy of those we love take over? My cardinal rule is one of never trying to hurt anyone. But that doesn’t mean that I will sugar-coat my life at home and make it sound like our life is a G-rated movie. Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately) there are no rules of Blogging, no censors, no arbitrators. Each of us writes by our own rules of ethical Blogging conduct. Sometimes there are gray areas.
How do you decide what is allowable? What’s fit to print in Blogdom?
posted by Barbara at 5:10 PM
6 Comments:
You may not like what I have to say, Barbara, but here goes. I have seen blogs where they have actually said (when someone didn't like what they were reporting on, or being quoted on), "This is my blog, and I have to be me, and I believe in free speech and no one is going to tell me what I can or cannot say."
Okay. Those people can go do their thing. Fine. Good luck. But for you? No. Your husband sounds like a really good guy. Here is what I recommend. If you ever want to report on him again on anything (fill in the subject), then you draft it first then you show it to him, and you ask him if he minds if you do this or not.
I can already hear people screaming about this. I do not care. This is not censorship. This is your respecting the role this man has in your life and you cannot blindly go off taking these very personal things in your life (and his) and throwing them out to the world on the internet.
I have thought about this a LOT. I still think about it. I certainly gave it a great deal of thought, before I ever began blogging. Your husband is an active part of your life. You have got to allow for his perceptions on these things, his privacy boundaries and his wishes. Respect him, as you would wish he would respect you.
:::getting off soapbox and putting it back where I found it:::
I pretty much agree with Cube. I have tried in my comments on my sons b(c)logs to say only what I would say to their faces in front of others. This goes for comments about them on others' blogs as well since I read and comment on blogs of their friends. It is true that I do not send them a copy to ask if they mind. I might if they were in the next room. I am pretty certain that I would hear "please don't refer to me" or something similar if they were riled or hurt.
On the other hand, I am pretty much "out there" most of the time and am probably more self-critical than criticized by others.
It is a dilemma and I believe, like you, Barb "in first doing no harm."
I am pretty flippant in person so self-censoring on here is a must for me.
Finally, I had no feelings of animosity toward David when I read your Zelda post. Just the opposite -- I related to his angst over decisions to be made and felt sympathy for his situation.
But, as Cube pointed out, a draft for an intimate is not censorship but a strengthening of the intimacy.
(Passing the soapbox to someone else)
I tend to self-censor according to people I know who read my blog. For example, I wouldn't write about the painful feelings caused by my parents divorce, because I think that would hurt their feelings. I wouldn't write about the illness my Dad is suffering from, because he doesn't like to talk about it. My partner has asked that I don't write about him and what he does, or about personal aspects of our relationship, so I don't. I find there tends to be plenty of other things I want to write about to prevent me feeling constrained to certain topics.
Cube, Kate, Cee -- This is extremely helpful advice. Early on in our conversation on Tuesday, he requested exactly what Cube had suggested -- that he get the right to read any draft that mentioned him and and just say NO if he objected. Ironically in Tuesday's piece, this would have deprived him of the votes of confidence on his behalf that he received universally, because he would definitely have opted out. But I would rather err on the side of caution in the future. I love Blogging, but I will always love him more and I never want to be in the position of having to choose or of causing him unnecessary pain. Advice graciously taken...
I pretty much agree, but I think that it might put a damper on your writing if you had to clear everything with you husband. Perhaps you could agree on some ground rules--things that are off limits--and then if you are going to write about something that you know is particularly sensitive clear it with him.
You'll figure something out. I'm sure he supports you in this important endeavor.
I like Shannon's blog rule of thumb, which is that if she has something she needs to say to someone, she must say it in person before posting it on her blog. That is so smart.
I love it that blogging is so wide open. There isn't even a "Blogging for Idiots" book - yet - so it's our chance to be discerning, to think, and of course to make mistakes.
The previous comments are thoughtful and intelligent. We're lucky to have such a wonderful community around us.
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