The Art of Conversation
On Tueday night I found myself falling into "listening" mode as I sat at a restaurant table with 9 powerful women. Part of the problem was that I was literally straddling the legs of the two square tables, almost like sitting at the half-court line during a basketball game and watching the ball move from one end to the other. It’s as though there is a sound overload and I simply extract myself from the multiple conversations, not being able to be an equal participant in any of them. And this wasn’t even a case of these women talking about things that I know nothing about.I’m fine in a one-on-one conversation, never lacking for a response or a subject to talk about. I’m also perfectly fine addressing a room of 70 people at work, talking about technical things I am intimately familiar with.
A friend who was there on Tueday night even commented about my being exceptionally quiet. At one point I glanced at my other friend to my right, who had not known anyone at the table other than me well before the dinner. She was doing fine, as she asked the right questions and conveyed just enough information about herself to be a good conversant.
I don’t want to be a wallflower, watching others interact. I want to get in there and hold my own. But I just haven’t figured out how to do that in a medium-sized group where everyone is talking at once.
Am I crazy or do others have this problem? Can the art of conversation be learned?
posted by Barbara at 1:15 PM
5 Comments:
I generally find myself bouncing between conversations instead of participating in any one. I know I can concentrate, just look at my job, but in groups too big to maintain a single conversation, I get lost.
I'm terrible in any group larger than, say, five people. Everyone's talking, and even when I'd like to pop in a comment, there doesn't seem to be a silent moment in which to do so. Perhaps I should work on voice projection.
Kristin, Cee -- Both of you make me feel more normal. I think voice projection is a big part of my problem. My voice doesn't carry well, so often when I speak in a group people have to ask me what I said. Maybe there is a way to practice this.
You would think the more I drink, the easier it would be to just get in there and compete for air time, but unfortunately alcolhol tends to put me to sleep.
Barbara, the situation you described seems quite familiar to me. I offer two thoughts. First, consider whether it is possible that everyone at the table felt the way you did. That is, each person had difficulty asserting herself against the nine others collectively and could "take in" and "take on" only one or two at a time. It's a matter of group dynamics and individuals' spans of attention and control. Second, something I've noticed about my own hearing, as I've aged, is I have diminished ability to discern a conversation in a high-noise background. I can hear very quiet, very subtle sounds in a quiet environment ... for example, when I'm in my third floor bedroom at home, I can hear the washer and dryer chirping their "end-of-cycle" beeps in the basement utility room, behind a closed door. But in a noisy environment, in a boisterous restaurant, I have difficulty following conversations of people seated at the same table, even when I concentrate, watch their lips move or turn an ear toward their mouths to try better to hear. Could you be experiencing the same phenomenon ... I'm sure there's medical terminology for it ... and might it be contributing to your frustration?
Ben -- I think you may have helped me see something important. I believe conversing with more than one person in a noisy place has gotten harder as I have gotten older. I have to really concentrate to "hear" whatever conversation I am trying to follow. This is all very interesting.
V -- I must practice "butting in"! That's not something that comes naturally to me!
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