Beyond Anger

Was I really the person banging her fist into the table and speaking in almost a scream at this afternoon’s meeting? For those of you who know me, you would probably say you can’t imagine me acting like this, but indeed I was that person.

My father had this habit of bringing home a “sick headache” when the contention at work got too great. He just couldn’t go to battle with the bureaucrats, instead internalizing his own frustrations until he became physically sick. I never really understood that until today when my stomach felt really queasy and my head was pounding on the way home from work. I can imagine that my ordinarily low blood pressure was soaring.

This all has to do with upcoming “improvements” that are being made to the gargantuan survey I work on. The processing currently runs like a well-oiled machine and I am extremely cautious about making any changes that might affect 3 million households of data a year. There is a small group of people whose whole life it seems is centered around these changes. They do nothing else, whereas I have at least 10 other things of equal priority going on in my working world.

Yesterday one of these people approached one of my staff members and started badgering him to the point where he came to me to say “help!” Today I learned that the same person had orchestrated an e-mail message from someone else on high to my boss making similar complaints about our staff dragging their feet.

I tried to head off the conflict by calling her directly and appealing for her to bury the animosity, adopt a positive attitude, and look at this as a team effort, apparently to no avail.

They backed me into a corner in this afternoon’s meeting and guess what? I had learned from their behavior over the years how to come out sluggin’. I was fighting for something to do with principle that had nothing to do with the amount of work I would have to do, but rather had the potential to affect the data we collect and process and that to me is tantamount. I stood my ground and said I would appeal to my upper management to support my position. She countered with “I’ll do the same.” I quickly added that I would live with whatever decision was reached.

What disappointed me most was my two colleagues who just sat there in the meeting and let me hang out on a limb all by myself. Apparently they are still intimidated by those who speak loudly and carry big sticks.

As self-righteous as I felt, my slightly sick stomach reminded me that I could retire and just walk out of the place tomorrow without even saying goodbye. I refuse to get sick over principle. I’ll see where my management comes out on this and then decide what to do. I want to enjoy the rest of my life without all this stress and for heaven’s sake I never want to have to bang my fist on anyone else’s table!