Reading Your Confidence Barometer

I am starting to have a better appreciation for the parliamentary system that votes leaders in or out based on public confidence. Yesterday I started to question the level of support I had among my peers and my superiors.

One of the reasons I was incredibly successful in developing the massive processing system for this mammoth survey was the fact that I had a boss who allowed me to work fairly independently and who backed my professional recommendations, trusting that I was in the best position to judge. But he left last January and my relationship to the two women who took his place is still being formed. Although they did give me a promotion this year, the jury is still out as to how far they will go to bat for me.

It’s been a long time since work matters kept me awake at night. In the earlier years, I actually found myself writing programs or coming up with solutions to elusive processing problems in my sleep. When you are having sex and an algorithm flashes before your eyes, you know you are in trouble. Last night was simply thrashing about for hours as I pondered the events of the day, occasionally thinking of the technical solutions required by the upcoming changes. As I wiped the sleep from my eyes this morning, I knew that something had to get resolved.

I had sent out a note to my bosses yesterday after the meeting, not laying blame but simply stating what had happened. I got back a cautious response from the senior person instructing me to set up a briefing meeting sometime next week. There was no promised support. Nor was there a condemnation.

But I am a person who thrives on pleasing others. I made straight A’s. I have always gotten outstanding performance ratings. It’s just in my nature to want the approval of everyone – family, friends, coworkers, bosses. So this uncertainty is not a comfortable position.

I replied to the e-mail message, agreeing to set up the requested meeting, but also outlining the larger issue of support. I mentioned that if I sensed I no longer had general support, I would probably follow in the footsteps of our agency director, who is leaving partially because he no longer enjoys the confidence of those to whom he reports.

In addition to vowing not to bang my fist on tables again, I will now add that unless I am given a thumbs up by those around me, I will opt to slip away into retirement. Who knows, maybe this is a fortunate turn of events that will give me that free time I have been craving just that much sooner.

It’s somewhat interesting that my last two posts have been accompanied by such diametrically opposing hand gestures!