Thursday, February 15, 2007

The Brink of Insanity

I find myself wondering what it’s like to go insane. Do you know what’s happening or are you just oblivious? I have become so crazed by this situation at work that I don’t think I’m even behaving rationally.

I have put in way more hours today that I will ever be paid for. But the sad truth is this afternoon after yet another meeting where my nemesis talked for 57 of the 60 minutes, leaving me a scant 3 minutes for the final word, and everyone just nodded their heads in agreement, I finally realized how very hopeless this situation is. I’m sitting here with a pounding headache trying to figure out why in the world I have let this thing take control of me.

This is supposed to be the time of winding down, turning over to others, just gliding right on out the door. Instead I’m working my ass off and getting virtually no credit for anything I do. Instead I’m branded as a troublemaker, one who can’t be trusted to stay calm, cool, and collected.

Maybe this is just the result of caffeine deprivation and a very frustrating day. Maybe after I see Quentin in the AM and then go for my 3-monthly melanoma scan, I will have renewed faith in life, telling myself how great it is to graduate from PT and not be dying of melanoma. Now there’s something to be happy about. Yes?


Blogger Ulysses said...

Sounds too much like what happened when I left my last place. Don't be that surprised when they blame all the bad stuff on you after you're gone. The people who's opinions meant something to me knew better though.

Not dead yet, there's gotta be some opportunities in that for us...

7:18 PM  
Blogger Mother of Invention said...

Yes, that health thing sure puts things in perspective and lets you see the big picture.and if it gets can always get your life back by retiring! You'll love it!

7:33 PM  
Blogger Reya Mellicker said...

Why do you have to prove yourself to this woman? What would that mean to you?

Did you try any of the techniques I told you about? Especiallly the mirror thing might be illuminating though it's always a bit traumatic.

I can tell you from my own experience that going nuts is something you know is happening, but it happens anyway. Maybe this experience is guiding you a step closer to retirement.

Are you a troublemaker at work?

8:13 PM  
Blogger Pauline said...

What would happen if you did just let things wind down and glide out the door? What would happen if you simply greeted your nemesis with silence and did what you thought was right despite her? I'm way on the outside here, I know, but perhaps you need to let it go to let it go...

8:14 PM  
Blogger Barbara said...

Ulysses -- I'm afraid you might be right about blaming things on the departed... unfortunately.

MOI -- I hear you and it does sound good.

Reya -- For some reason, I have taken this thing on as a "must win". I don't know why, and No, I have never before been a troublemaker. Instead I have been a team player who would just as soon give someone else credit for everything. This is definitely unique. I actually thought about doing what you suggested, but I don't have a little mirror the right size.

Pauline -- In my rational heart, I know you are right a 1000 times over. But I'm just having so much difficulty walking away.

The good news on this front, if there is any, is that I applied officially through the office of dispute resolution for mediation. It will only happen, of course, if the other person agrees. But she received an e-mail message inviting her to the table today. Que sera sera. I really don't want to leave without amicably resolving this whole thing.

8:38 PM  
Blogger Kristin said...

I wish you peace of mind. I don't have any advice, no quick fixes, and I fear that even official resolution might not help.

When I've found myself in a similar position (and I have been there), I had to work on letting go. Of course, I also got someone transferred. But letting go was probably the better idea.

10:20 PM  
Blogger Pauline said...

Barbara - when I went through a similar personality (though not at work) conflict, the mediator asked these questions: What it is you want, what do you hope to "win" and what's in it for you if the conflict is resolved? In other words, what is it you're looking for? And what does it mean if you don't get that?

Letting go and walking away can be two separate things. Letting go can mean putting things in a different perspective. You seem to be looking for a feeling, or a justification of feeling. What is it you think this other woman wants? Why is important to you that she doesn't get it?

5:45 AM  
Anonymous David said...

maybe this is the universe's way of pushing you out the door to retirement. sort of like teenagers giving parents such a hard time and being impossible to live with as a way to ease the transition.

you don't need approval from either of your 2 nemeses. you've had a great career and accomplshed great things.

2:13 PM  
Blogger Golden Silence said...

Dag...I'm sorry that you're going through all this. I think the best thing to do is to realize that you're worthy and better than all that crap going on at work.

This one guy at my job used to really freak out when he first started (he wanted to make sure everything was done right), and I pretty much told him "when we're gone for the day, does any of it matter?" He's now one of our best employees.

You've got to remember that your job isn't your live-all and the end of the day the only person that matters is YOU!

3:56 PM  
Blogger GEWELS said...

And yes, not dying of melanoma is the MOST important thing (when it comes right down to it). What does all the other stuff matter in the long run?
Have a great, stress-free weekend

6:41 PM  
Blogger Barbara said...

Kristin -- Sometimes I have to remind myself how young you are. You've had so many experiences for your years.

Pauline -- I get the sense that she wants to be successful at my expense. She does things like go out of her way not to share information that I need to know. But I experienced a new detachment from the anger today that worked a lot better for me. I really hope this goes to mediation so I can explore questions like the ones you raised.

David -- I'm glad that I have your approval, but that I've never doubted. If I just had the same level of support from my superiors, I wouldn't be in such a bad place right now.

Golden Silence -- I came to that same conclusion yesterday as I was experiencing my meltdown. I matter and I must do whatever it takes to protect myself physically and mentally. I was just too near the edge yesterday and it didn't feel good at all.

Gewels -- I got a clean bill of health from the skin doctor today, so some things are right in the world. That counts for a lot actually. It is nice to know that we have a 3-day weekend. I'm already unwinding from a very tough week.

9:46 PM  
Blogger Old Lady said...

Well, I am going to pray for your peace of mind and strength to deal with this. You strike me as a peaceful person who is full of grace. No matter what the outcome, you will win because you are the better person.

10:52 PM  
Blogger Barbara said...

OL -- I hope you're right!

11:33 PM  

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