Why Am I Not Content with Happily Ever After?
By anybody’s standards my life right now is sweet enough. For every pain in my ass, there are at least 10 good things on the other side of the balance. I have a stable long-long-term relationship. My health is back to normal. I got a promotion recently. My children are graduating and (hopefully) getting off the payroll. I brought my last therapy session of any kind to closure. My friends are true and plentiful. Life is good, right?Instead of basking in contentedness, I am in a panic because I feel no zest for life, no passion for anything. I couldn’t even sustain my burning anger over being cancelled out of the Brazil trip for more than a couple of hours today. I am just sitting in neutral right now.
Did I really enjoy all those highs and lows as I discovered myself over the past two years? Did I get some sort of insidious masochistic pleasure out of my stint at Washington Hospital Center? Was the drawn-out ordeal of getting a promotion a motivator? Am I nuts?
I want my heart to beat fast or to have tears well up in my eyes about something. I don’t want to feel like I am on a high dose of Valium. Where is that juiciness that means the sap is flowing, that I am alive?
Wasn’t it just a few months ago that I was begging to get off the emotional roller coaster? I suppose this confirms the fact that I will never allow myself to be thoroughly satisfied with life. Maybe normality will take on a greater appeal the longer I wear it. However, I don’t want to be on a low-passion diet forever!
posted by Barbara at 10:37 PM
15 Comments:
There's some theory that we have three parts to our lives. Career, Home and Relationships. One of the three has to be in "turmoil" at any given point in time. Your relationship with husband and family? Great. Relationship with Job? Great. Home life? Great.
In my case it would be the "relationship" piece needing help. And the theory goes that if we don't have turmoil in one of the three, we create it. Again, all me.
My boss recently said that he couldn't work things out with his wife because of all these reasons that came to the forefront in the last year. I said, "Nope, you had all this career trauma for years, and you finally surpassed it, and you got the clarity to focus on other stuff." He called me back an hour later and asked me to explain again. There you have it.
I expect shortly we'll hear of a home improvement project of sorts. Ripping down wall paper, deciding to paint. It's coming. I can feel it!!!
I found you via the liveblogs link - your title drew me in. And, lo and behold, one of my favorite bloggers has already commented!
First off, you're certainly not alone in how you feel. I've been wondering if I have lost the ability to feel that fire for somebody, since I really have experienced anything close to hot since the last time I met up with the FWB. A year ago. Sigh.
Now, based on Velvet's theory, if I simply maintained my apartment in its current deplorable state, then would things get better in the relationships department? Or, am I just shooting my self in the proverbial foot by not having my place clean enough to bring home somebody hot? A conundrum...
Holy cow -- I could have written this.
In fact, I just had almost exactly this conversation (complete with Velvet's theory) last night with my sweetheart.
I don't know what the answer is either, Barbara, but wow, do I ever know what you are talking about.
-- Lucy
You barely got started in any of your therapeutic relationships before you brought that process to a close. I believe the panic is because you have so much more you can do, either in psychotherapy or massage therapy or some other form. You woke up your liveliness and now I think it's difficult for you to figure a way to process all that energy without having a place and time every week to deal with it.
This is from someone who receives bodywork every week, and spent ten years in psychotherapy. You may think I'm a piece of work right now, but without all those years to process my own version of liveliness, I would be a total basket case.
It's worth the money, and it's worth the time. That's my 2 cents.
You know, I have to say that Reya might be on to something. Though it is a therapists job to heal us, it is also in their best interests to not bid us farewell. Hmmph.
Whisky Pants my little delight - no, it doesn't mean if you keep your apartment in a tizzy that a man will just appear. It just means that say you found the perfect man (ha, that makes me laugh) that once your heart settles in that capacity that you would then take a look at your home life and decide it needed to be changed. The irony of this is that it is all intertwined. For example, my only area of unhappiness is the relationship part. I love my home life, but say I met a man who rocked my world and we decided to proceed. Guess what? Home life tossed into turmoil because he and I would be looking for a "bigger place." And Whisky Pants, you can meet Barbara if you come to the next HH. Well, if she comes, which she usually does.
I must find more online about this theory.
Velvet, my jr psychotherapist, looks like you missed your calling! Or maybe this is another book in the making. Anyway, you might be right. Ripping down wallpaper has a certain appeal. Or maybe I will attack the yard. There are lots of possibilities for passion, I just have to find one that really fires me up. As for happy hours, are we talking about this Friday? Are you coming?
Whiskypants -- I would love to meet you and talk about this elusive search for passion some more. If not at the happy hour, let's meet for a drink somewhere, some time. Just E-mail me.
Lucy -- I have missed you so much! I can't imagine that passion would ever be a problem for you because you seem so full of life. It's interesting that this topic hits a nerve with people of all ages.
Reya -- You know me way too well. Yeah, I know I cut all my therapy ties somewhat prematurely with this self-conviction that my therapy pill would just time-release for the rest of my life. Ain't so, I guess. So, I'll probably get back to something, probably massage, if you would just hurry up and find us a good person to go to!
It's not so much passion itself that's missing for me, as a lack a mountain to climb. I'm a very energetic, driven, passionate person -- but right now, I don't have a target for all that energy. So I'm floundering a bit, for sure.
Lucy - Have a baby, get a dog, go to Europe, take a class you like, volunteer. Hee hee.
Barbara - no, the Pharoah's HH's. I can't do those big bashes. I like to sit and drink, not mingle and dance.
Yes. Have a baby -- always a good solution. (SDER)
A dog, though... hmmmm.
I think we are all coming to the conclusion that we absolutley must have somtthing that causes us to feel passionate -- whether it's a person or a cause or a job or a trip or whatever. Otherwise, life becomes a fucking treadmill that never dumps you off until someone pulls the plug. So let's all go search for PASSION!
Wanna volunteer with me on Saturday? It's not exactly heart thumping, but it always makes me feel a little better, makes me a little happier with the world and my place in it. (Just thought I'd throw out the invite.)
It's good to have something to tilt against.
Kristin -- Tell me more about the volunteer thing on Saturdays.
Thanks to all for making me see that we share a lot of the same yearnings. Writing about this has helped me start to unravel it and figure out what to do next.
Ooh. How about volunteering with your dog? Going to nursing homes etc. and visiting the residents...that might be enough to jumpstart you.
Details are in the (e)mail!
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