Thursday, December 21, 2006

Fuck 'em

That was my mantra at meditation last night. Not exactly Zen-friendly, but it felt so good to breathe in and out to those words after the day I had had.

If you’ve been following my rantings, you are aware there has been a problem at work that has caused me great consternation. My boss is thankfully now on board. But there are others at my level who continue to try to make my life miserable.

In the spirit of the season and just because I really prefer harmony, I offered an olive branch to the most vocal of those opposing me. I suggested we go out to lunch. She accepted and proposed to actually go out – outside the fence as opposed to eating in the cafeteria – probably because she didn’t want to be seen consorting with "the enemy."

Lunch was actually pleasant until just about the time we were leaving the restaurant, when all of a sudden the accusations started. But the time I reached the elevators in our building, I hadn’t admitted any guilt, but I felt my eyes hot with tears. My olive branch had been snapped and ground into the dirt.

One of her colleagues laid into me later in the afternoon, accusing me of being intransigent and difficult to deal with. My next-door-office neighbor, who managed to hear the latter conversation through the paper-thin walls, advised me to get a stiff drink as we both headed out last night.

Two glasses of wine later as I ate dinner with one of my nearest and dearest friends, I conceived of the meditation mantra. She laughed and said, "You should Blog about that."

Actually meditation is hardly conducive to sustaining anger. After about five minutes of Fuck ’em IN and Fuck ’em OUT, my breathing took on a life of its own and the mantra fell away.

I arrived home to find a message from someone who works for me that could only spell real trouble. I called him to learn what the latest production problem was and started immediately to strategize. My poor brain was moving slowly, but it has been trained like to rat in a maze to deal with processing problems.

As I headed upstairs to check my e-mail and check for comments from Blogger friends, my husband wondered why I had so little interest in just sitting down and talking to him since we hadn’t seen each other all day long. Uh oh, just one more person that I was not able to please. We lit the Hanukkah candles and talked for a little while, but my day was catching up with me and I already knew I would be getting a very early start at work.

I got into work at 6 AM this morning, had the worst of the crisis over by 10, and settled in to read a 45-page document which I wrote and a contractor is being paid megabucks to edit. Blah!

My friend says it’s just the holidaze. I don’t really know. But I’m tired of being made to feel guilty when I haven’t done anything wrong.

I’m somewhat tempted to go up to the top floor of the building, where there is actually a decent view of the city, find a door leading to the roof, and go up there and yell "Fuck ’em" at the top of my lungs. I can only imagine how good it would feel.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

I love and admire you so much.
We're all lucky you choose to do your job...and you do damn good work. FL

3:16 PM  
Blogger Reya Mellicker said...

Shout it loud and shout it proud: Fuck 'em all.

5:57 PM  
Blogger Mother of Invention said...

Let me help add one more voice to increase the volume at the top of that building! Some people and situations are just too difficult to figure out. Hope it blows over and you can let it go for the holidays. If not, maybe you can sit on it and come to see what you should do about this job situation and whether it's worth staying with it, or whether you can see past it and stay there.

6:01 PM  
Blogger Barbara said...

FL -- I love you too and wish you were closer by. Flying through here any time soon?

Reya -- Perhaps you were my inspiration? I recall your story in an empty music hall in SF...

MOI -- I love my job too much to leave it over a handful of spiteful people. This will pass after the new year, I'm sure of it.

8:33 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

That was not fair for her to do that without a documented meeting. Document all of this. She started more office shit from something she did out of the office. I am proud of you and your mantra, I thinks the monks would be too.

11:47 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

"But I’m tired of being made to feel guilty when I haven’t done anything wrong."

What would it mean if you didn't feel guilty over this?

Check out this link :)

7:19 AM  
Blogger steve said...

hi barbara!!!! This doesn't hardly seem like it could be you writing this but it serves to prove how magnificently complicated us humans are!!! MOI is so right... there are some things we just won't figure out no matter how long or hard we look at them;best to just leave alone until they wash by us and we are always still there even after the problem is gone so whatever the problem seems to be is mostly just the whining of the gears, the spinning of the wheels.... nmy sister and i are generally agreeable people except when it comes to each other and we could not agree that the sky is a pretty blue and the sun is yellow and she has been in town for 18 hours now and we've started already and i'm just gonna try to chill out... and hope she can do the same.... and I don't know what that has to do with anything except that I AM PuLLING FOR BARBARA!!!

9:26 AM  
Blogger Kristin said...

Everybody needs a mantra... I'm sorry that work's been so trying lately. For what it's worth, you're in my thoughts and prayers. I'm pulling for you.

2:07 PM  
Blogger Barbara said...

OL -- I'm taking a break from all this anger for the next few days. Maybe I'll come back after Christmas and everyone will just get along. At least I can wish...

Pauline -- That little video just puts things in perspective. What fortunate specks in the universe we are!

Steve -- You just think you know me! Thanks for the moral support.

Kristin -- I so appreciate it that you are of a different generation than I am and you come to this place every day to see what I have to say.

9:28 PM  

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