Rules of engagement
Here’s a question about the ethics of being a friend: If 2 of your mutual friends part ways because one of them offended the other, do you side with the offended friend and drop the other one or do you maintain neutrality?
A couple of years ago when an issue arose between two people I knew quite well, I was surprised that the one assumed I would join her in disconnecting with the other. In fact, when I chose not to, she reminded me for weeks thereafter that she couldn’t understand how I could continue to have contact with the other person.
I’ve always been of the mind that if my dog wasn’t in the fight, I was not taking sides. In fact, if I had followed that person’s rule, I would be minus at least two friends I dearly treasure. And when the “stick-together” friend dumped me, I would also have lost a number of close friends if they had been of her mindset.
So when this sort of thing comes up, I usually run the other way, not even wanting to know about the offense for fear I will be caught up in the unhappiness. I’m no Pollyanna about relationships, but I do insist on being personally wronged before ending a friendship. And I usually give someone the benefit of the doubt, encouraging a complete exchange before declaring the end.
So if you can follow this tangled trail of logic, where do you stand on being a good friend? Any thoughts?
posted by Barbara at 3:37 PM
11 Comments:
A real friend wouldn't ask it of you.
Chances are outsiders don't know what really happened. Even those involved might not know all the details. There's a lot of emotion wrapped up in things.
Maybe we should take some direction from Solomon. Take up the sword and see who's willing to give up their right and the fight for the sake of the innocent.
Kristin -- I would never give myself credit for having the wisdom of Solomon, with or without a sword. I much prefer to stick my head in the sand and pretend everything is really alright. Not very heroic!
I guess I'm one of the neutral types. I hate to see friends fighting with each other - it seems so unnecessary. I really don't want to pass judgement on friends who are fighting or choose a side. In general I think there should be no reason for true friends to fight, so I guess I'm sort of passing judgement after all. An astrologist once told me that "peace at any price" is one of my character flaws/tendencies and I'd have to say I've paid the price - several times. But like Kristin said, they weren't REAL friends - just catty and immature people I happened to be on the road with.
I'm with you, Barbara, be Switzerland.
I had a friend suddenly stop all contact with me with no word as to why. This particularly hurt, because we had been so close up til then.
We had a common friend who refused to take "sides" and I commend her for not even wanting to talk about it. I still don't know why I was dropped. But, it seemed that the friend in common kept us both, just not together. Later on, they slipped apart, as some are likely to do.
I tell my family that we don't have the luxury of being offended at each other.
I would have done the same!
You can't shun someone to appease someone else.
I think you're generally right, B -- if it's not your fight, why wouldn't you remain neutral? It sounds like your friend was actually looking more for reaffirmation that she was doing the right thing by dumping this other person.
I suppose I could see an extreme circumstance where I might choose to end a friendship based on the actions of one friend against another -- like if one friend slept with another's spouse, or something like that. But even then, I think I'd want to hear both sides of the story and not leap to judgment.
Dear B, I don't have much to add to the comments already posted, and my "position" is very close to Steve's. I'd probably tend to stay "neutral" if no one was truly harmed and I had no ethical queasiness. Coincidentally, I've been thinking about loyalty a lot recently, and your post is somewhat related...
I resonated with what you wrote about how you might end a friendship. Probably all of us have been on both the receiving and giving ends of behavior less respectful and heart-ful than you advocate.
F.
Cyndy -- I actually find it painful to see friends disagree. But I have gotten in trouble for trying to be a peacemaker.
Kellyann -- Yes, Switzerland!
Merle -- You actually CAN shun someone to appease someone else, but in my book you SHOULDN'T.
Steve -- My ex-friend's motives were unclear.
Anon -- Loyalty becomes tricky if you are forced to choose.
Depends how close I am to them and what the issue is. If someone has done something truly heinous to a close friend of mine, I'd have no trouble cutting them out completely.
LA -- I agree, but the "deed" would have to be so bad and I would need to have first-hand knowledge of the details for me to cut the offender off. It's funny how the people on opposing sides of a conflict often view it so differently.
Post a Comment
<< Home