Saturday, February 07, 2009

Speaking of Miracles



I woke up in need of a miracle to snap me out of the funk I had fallen into. I’m increasingly frustrated as I look ahead and realize all the things I want to do in the coming week and then remember that I am totally dependent on the good will and generosity of others for transportation.

Those of you who know me well can attest to the fact that I often become quite stubborn about making things happen. For a couple of weeks I have known about a Tuesday lunch-time concert at the Church of the Epiphany given by my choir friend and renowned clarinetist Lora with other musicians. I was sure people in the choir would be going and I could bum a ride. But everyone I have asked so far has other plans and my husband has a doctor’s appointment. I have PT from 10-11 that day and am considering taking a cab from Old Town to attend the concert.

I was tempted to roll over at 6:55 am today and go back to sleep. But instead I dragged myself out of bed and slowly prepared to go sing with my choir about the miracle of Moses parting the Red Sea.

Picture an orchestra of about 20 players, ranging in age from 9 to 75. From one family alone there was a mother, daughter, son, and grandfather – 2 violins and two trombones. Then there was the adult choir of about 20 people. And the youth choir of about 20 primary school children. Rather ragtag, but all intent on making a joyful noise and trying hard to stay on pitch. And did I mention our choir director Teddy, who arranged all the music, playing an electric keyboard and our cantorial soloist, both professionals?

I suddenly found my eyes welling up with tears when the children rehearsed When You Believe:

Many nights we’ve prayed with no proof anyone could hear,
In our hearts a hopeful song we barely understood.
Now we are not afraid, although we know there’s much to fear.
We were moving mountains long before we knew we could.
There can be miracles when you believe.
Though hope is frail, it’s hard to kill.
Who knows what miracles you can achieve?
When you believe, somehow you will.
You will when you believe.

I’m still feeling fragile and vulnerable, not wanting to stand in crowds or accept strong hugs while standing up. People tell me how great I’m doing and I hide my own frustration with my limitations.

I am so ready to be independent once again, despite the huge outpouring of support from so many friends and family. Every day is a lesson in patience and humility as I make small strides and heal a little more.

I suppose it’s only natural to feel a little glum sometimes, but perhaps the morning of miracles will carry over into my week and keep me focused on recovery and not on the challenges of things like finding transportation.

13 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

OK Little Missy,

Slow down and join the slugs of the world. You got your new hip on January 20. You've made fantastic progress since then. You are still accomplishing more than most of us.

I love and admire you and your energy.

FL

2:21 PM  
Blogger Barbara said...

FL -- I am queen of the slugs of the world! Didn't you know? It is pretty amazing to me that although I still move like molasses, there is very little pain. I have a lot of Percocet I could sell on the black market!

Let me know if you happen to fly through some day. I'd love to see you.

My word verification is "aingel". Cute?

4:34 PM  
Blogger e said...

Barb,

Paciencia! I face the issues you describe daily, and the only reprieve comes with patience, which quite frankly, I suck at! I get these lessons until I slow down and realize that there is often another way to solve the problem in front of me...

You have accomplished much in such a short time! Don't beat yourself up or be glum...

Keep asking around, you might even consider calling the church and asking if they know someone coming from your area who would be willing to do a pick up...A cab is another possibility, too...

Please relax and breathe!

4:50 PM  
Blogger Pauline said...

Put the need out there and then let it go - something will turn up. and as long as your keeping an eye out for it, your miracle will be there. You're so strong, and so self-reliant, it must be hard to be dependent. The kids in second grade are learning about interdependency this week. They are excited about finding ways they can work together. I bet you can find some, too. Do you believe?

5:06 PM  
Blogger Barbara said...

E, Pauline -- The concert miracle already happened. My neighborhood friend LR, who reads my Blog, contacted me and offered a ride. We will deal with how I get into and out of her SUV!

5:08 PM  
Blogger wordwitch said...

Barbara, I understand completely. Over the weeks that I was stuck to 2 crutches (almost FIVE months) I often despared that I would ever be back to my normal self...that I wouldn't ever heal. My funks were deep and serious. Now it's been a year, and I'm am still a bit amazed that I've healed so well. I was convinced at times that my body would not recover. But as they say - time really DOES heal all wounds. I send you hugs.

M.

5:53 PM  
Blogger Barbara said...

M -- It's people like you who convince me that this could be much worse and that it will all turn out OK in the end. I so appreciate your comments about your own recovery and the times that were tough. It makes me feel OK to have a little self-pity.

7:25 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Dear B,

Just as you'll have some inevitable ups and downs in the physical healing process, so will you on the intertwined emotional path...I'm not saying anything you don't already know, but you know I've seen it many times over, so maybe it helps to hear it again from yet another friend. It's 100% normal to feel vulnerable, fragile, and glum at times! Please gently honor those parts of yourself, and then go out and enjoy your increasing mobility and healing! Hurray re the concert ride!

F.

7:35 PM  
Blogger Barbara said...

Anon F -- What would I do without you? You always know exactly the right thing to say!

8:49 PM  
Blogger Kristin said...

I'm still trying to picture an orchestra of about 20 players, ranging in age from 9 to 75. You are pretty amazing.

10:45 PM  
Blogger Barbara said...

Kristin -- Let's just say we pride ourselves on diversity and a range of talent and experience!

11:57 PM  
Blogger Cyndy said...

It's really frustrating and annoying to not be able to go where you want when you want to. But the time will go by soon enough and you'll be back doing everything you used to do. I'm glad you found a ride to that concert!

12:47 AM  
Blogger e said...

Your interview questions have been posted. Thanks. Hope you'r having a good day!

1:27 PM  

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